Sacrifice
The end sacrifices the means - all that is done and considered immoral or crime. In order to achieve the desired, the end result is justified.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Death of the Western
Death of the Western
Think the world just dispenses with a genre because it is done with it or it has lost its usefulness. Think again. Once a new genre is needed to overwhelm the masses with consumer desires and collectibles .. A team of people is sent out to change the public’s taste.
Think the world just dispenses with a genre because it is done with it or it has lost its usefulness. Think again. Once a new genre is needed to overwhelm the masses with consumer desires and collectibles .. A team of people is sent out to change the public’s taste.
Hit with a Brick from the Past
Hit with a brick from the past.
Wow was that heavy. I walked into the Tivoli and I saw her standing ther.
Wow was that heavy. I walked into the Tivoli and I saw her standing ther.
Water Off the Sink
Water Off the sink
Turn on the faucet. Make it a little bit cold a little bit hot. I have the old type of faucets with separate handles for each. Finding the right temp takes a few as the hot water takes longer to get to the sink. The water flies out of the sink onto the edge of the sink and even sprays me. I turn it back down finding that the hot is usually the one I turned up too much. Decreased pressure means it will take longer for me to wash my hands and face and the back of my neck, sometimes I even wash my arms up to my biceps.
For most people this little act of normal hygiene and self cleansing becomes a necessary tool in everyday existence but for me it is a ritual based in phobias and A torment of uncivilized behaviors that are slowly driving me nutty. I mean real over the edge.
The water splashes all over. I put my hands in and the water runs down my forearms to get my shirt wet or t drips off my arms onto the floor. I try to use less water but then the soap does not come off fast enough. I feel I am wasting my life through a meaningless task.
No one ever taught me how to do this. Is this a learned behavior or does everyone just know how to do this. It should be so simple. A simple hand wash. The water goes all over the sink my shirt the floor and the faucet. Why can’t I do this without making a disaster area. What does it take to be normal. I can’t do it. I try. Fuck . This little bit pf torment drives me to suicidal thoughts. What if I live wiht the woman of my dreams and I continue to make this mess forever?
Turn on the faucet. Make it a little bit cold a little bit hot. I have the old type of faucets with separate handles for each. Finding the right temp takes a few as the hot water takes longer to get to the sink. The water flies out of the sink onto the edge of the sink and even sprays me. I turn it back down finding that the hot is usually the one I turned up too much. Decreased pressure means it will take longer for me to wash my hands and face and the back of my neck, sometimes I even wash my arms up to my biceps.
For most people this little act of normal hygiene and self cleansing becomes a necessary tool in everyday existence but for me it is a ritual based in phobias and A torment of uncivilized behaviors that are slowly driving me nutty. I mean real over the edge.
The water splashes all over. I put my hands in and the water runs down my forearms to get my shirt wet or t drips off my arms onto the floor. I try to use less water but then the soap does not come off fast enough. I feel I am wasting my life through a meaningless task.
No one ever taught me how to do this. Is this a learned behavior or does everyone just know how to do this. It should be so simple. A simple hand wash. The water goes all over the sink my shirt the floor and the faucet. Why can’t I do this without making a disaster area. What does it take to be normal. I can’t do it. I try. Fuck . This little bit pf torment drives me to suicidal thoughts. What if I live wiht the woman of my dreams and I continue to make this mess forever?
Mister Self-Destruct
Mister Self-Destruct (or How God made it easy on me...)
Liar, cheat, thief, asshole every downgrade you an imagine I have already run through in my mind while most I have called myself aloud. I always believed it was better to insult yourself first before anyone else got the chance I think this goes back to junior high or the shock & awe era. I fucking hated junior high it was shit. For instance I was standing at my locker in eighth grade with my pen in my hand the next thing I knew the pen was up my nose and blood was coming out, as I ran to the office I could already hear the ridicule. Why was a ballpoint pen in your nose...What were you doing with it there..How could that of happened ? Well leave it to me if an awkward never before traumatizing event needed to happen then I apparently was your dumbass. See again with the name calling. Apparently my locker mate backed in to me and it just so has it that the pen was positioned with the point up so it could slide right into my nose ripping open the thin membrane that separates the nose and the blood that flows through it . Unbeknown to me later on in life this membrane and the structure of the nose would play a key part in my destruction of my whole being. See it was one instance after another that drove me to seek some obsessive activity to divert my attention away from daily life. What was I being punished for? What could I of possibly done to deserve such stupidity in how to interact within the normal social structure of life? I imagined that I had done some great wrong in my past even a former life. Maybe I was Judas. Why?
Liar, cheat, thief, asshole every downgrade you an imagine I have already run through in my mind while most I have called myself aloud. I always believed it was better to insult yourself first before anyone else got the chance I think this goes back to junior high or the shock & awe era. I fucking hated junior high it was shit. For instance I was standing at my locker in eighth grade with my pen in my hand the next thing I knew the pen was up my nose and blood was coming out, as I ran to the office I could already hear the ridicule. Why was a ballpoint pen in your nose...What were you doing with it there..How could that of happened ? Well leave it to me if an awkward never before traumatizing event needed to happen then I apparently was your dumbass. See again with the name calling. Apparently my locker mate backed in to me and it just so has it that the pen was positioned with the point up so it could slide right into my nose ripping open the thin membrane that separates the nose and the blood that flows through it . Unbeknown to me later on in life this membrane and the structure of the nose would play a key part in my destruction of my whole being. See it was one instance after another that drove me to seek some obsessive activity to divert my attention away from daily life. What was I being punished for? What could I of possibly done to deserve such stupidity in how to interact within the normal social structure of life? I imagined that I had done some great wrong in my past even a former life. Maybe I was Judas. Why?
Lose the Halo
Lose the Halo
Lose the Halo.
This book is dedicated to my Dad.
God hates me. I knew it. I have all this shit, I have to deal with. Better than some but not as good as the rest. If I hear one more person tell me I am making this more than it is, I am going to kill someone. Yes, I said it... kill. Everyone takes that so literally. Actually I don’t have the balls to kill someone, I am already hated by the almighty so why make it worse. Some random act of violence will not be seen as beneficial to my rotten soul.
Sick, sick, sick.
Degenerate.
Space Monkey.
Fried Chicken and Gasoline.
Blow.
You can’t be a Pimp and a Prostitute, too.
Lost.
Murder.
Burn.
Lose the Halo.
This book is dedicated to my Dad.
God hates me. I knew it. I have all this shit, I have to deal with. Better than some but not as good as the rest. If I hear one more person tell me I am making this more than it is, I am going to kill someone. Yes, I said it... kill. Everyone takes that so literally. Actually I don’t have the balls to kill someone, I am already hated by the almighty so why make it worse. Some random act of violence will not be seen as beneficial to my rotten soul.
Sick, sick, sick.
Degenerate.
Space Monkey.
Fried Chicken and Gasoline.
Blow.
You can’t be a Pimp and a Prostitute, too.
Lost.
Murder.
Burn.
Never Enough
Lonely
I am so fucking lonely. I feel like I do not deserve anyone. The reasons are many, the sins are astronomical and the killer is time. I hate this. My self exploration and vengeance is dead. I obsess and wonder why I do not get, while others are wed and look for more. Greed y fucks.
Anger and envy kill. I may never see the one I want. Do I settle? Never.
I should just write my fucking stories and get the shit out so I will feel good. I ma filled wiht so much doubt I feel like crying. Wait I am........ I want to feel creativity so bad. I miss it.
I hate Dax. He sux. He got me into this. I think I have worse mental problems than anyone knows. I really do think I am tortured. I know it may be me doing the torture but I cannot stop. I ma never happy. I am never satisfied. It is never enough.
I am not weird enough and I am too weird. So, fuck em all.
Never enough.
I am so fucking lonely. I feel like I do not deserve anyone. The reasons are many, the sins are astronomical and the killer is time. I hate this. My self exploration and vengeance is dead. I obsess and wonder why I do not get, while others are wed and look for more. Greed y fucks.
Anger and envy kill. I may never see the one I want. Do I settle? Never.
I should just write my fucking stories and get the shit out so I will feel good. I ma filled wiht so much doubt I feel like crying. Wait I am........ I want to feel creativity so bad. I miss it.
I hate Dax. He sux. He got me into this. I think I have worse mental problems than anyone knows. I really do think I am tortured. I know it may be me doing the torture but I cannot stop. I ma never happy. I am never satisfied. It is never enough.
I am not weird enough and I am too weird. So, fuck em all.
Never enough.
Submissive Creed
SUBMISSIVES CREED
i Will Not Try To Manipulate my Dominant. I will not push. i Realise That my Actions And Behavious Reflect Upon His Skills As A Teacher And A Dominant. i Will Not Intentionally Embarrass my Dominant.
i Wear The Honour Of Being His submissive. i Take Pride In Who And What i Am And Will Never Portray myself In A Negative Way.
i Will Keep An Open Mind And Try New Things In An Attempt To Expand my Limits. i Will Continue To Grow as a submissive and as a human being. I Will Try To Adhere To His Training To The Best Of my Ability
i Will Not Allow myself To Be Harmed Or Abused. By Giving my Gift Of submission Only To Those That Can Responsibly Accept It, A Dominant Of Honour. i know that submissive does not equal Doormat . i Will Continue To Educate myself Because A submissives Safety Is Always A Concern.
i Will Be Respectful To my Fellow submissives. i Will Help Those New To The Lifestyle Start Out On The Correct Path.
I Will Be Responsive To my Dominant.i will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. i Realize That Failing To Openly Communicate Will Prevent my Dominant And i From Having The Best Experience Possible, Or Cause Physical And Emotional Harm. i Will Not Hide what my Mind And Body Are Feeling i Will Not Expect my Dominant To Know my Thoughts Or Feelings Which i Do Not Share.
i Will Gracefully Accept In The Responsibility Of A Scene Or Relationship Gone Bad. i Will Not Place Total Blame On my Dominant If It Is Not Warranted Nor Will i Trash His Character In Front Of Others Just Because i Am Angry Or Jealous. i Realize That Things May Not Work Out As Planned And Shall Strive To Put It Behind me And Move On.
i Will Be Respectful To My Dominant Even In Disagreements. i Realize my Dominant Has my Best Interests At Heart, And Shall Guide me With The Best Of All Of His Knowledge.
i Will Not Try To Manipulate my Dominant. I will not push. i Realise That my Actions And Behavious Reflect Upon His Skills As A Teacher And A Dominant. i Will Not Intentionally Embarrass my Dominant.
i Wear The Honour Of Being His submissive. i Take Pride In Who And What i Am And Will Never Portray myself In A Negative Way.
i Will Keep An Open Mind And Try New Things In An Attempt To Expand my Limits. i Will Continue To Grow as a submissive and as a human being. I Will Try To Adhere To His Training To The Best Of my Ability
i Will Not Allow myself To Be Harmed Or Abused. By Giving my Gift Of submission Only To Those That Can Responsibly Accept It, A Dominant Of Honour. i know that submissive does not equal Doormat . i Will Continue To Educate myself Because A submissives Safety Is Always A Concern.
i Will Be Respectful To my Fellow submissives. i Will Help Those New To The Lifestyle Start Out On The Correct Path.
I Will Be Responsive To my Dominant.i will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. i Realize That Failing To Openly Communicate Will Prevent my Dominant And i From Having The Best Experience Possible, Or Cause Physical And Emotional Harm. i Will Not Hide what my Mind And Body Are Feeling i Will Not Expect my Dominant To Know my Thoughts Or Feelings Which i Do Not Share.
i Will Gracefully Accept In The Responsibility Of A Scene Or Relationship Gone Bad. i Will Not Place Total Blame On my Dominant If It Is Not Warranted Nor Will i Trash His Character In Front Of Others Just Because i Am Angry Or Jealous. i Realize That Things May Not Work Out As Planned And Shall Strive To Put It Behind me And Move On.
i Will Be Respectful To My Dominant Even In Disagreements. i Realize my Dominant Has my Best Interests At Heart, And Shall Guide me With The Best Of All Of His Knowledge.
TheMost Important Thing in the World
The most important thing to in the world to me is that I do not hate myself. People can pretend that they would never feel this way and maybe the cold selfish ones do not care but as for me I do. I hav elived my life questioning every action and word, wondering how everyone else does it. I still ahve no idea apparently you have to think of your slef as the dope shit.
Satan Lend Me a Dollar
Satan Lend Me a Dollar
Evil exists. If you think it doesn’t then you never leave your home. I often wonder why some see only the good in everything while others see only the bad. This has nothing to do with perception though, This has everything to do with actions. It all starts with a thought. I knew right from wrong at some point but as I got tired of the good in life it became easier and easier to do the wrong thing. And that is what evil is the little choices you make a thousand times a day eventually. Those little choices become bigger and bigger choices and you choose to do the wrong thing.
I loved to do the right thing for a while, about 5 and a half years, but eventually it became too good. I know how can you say something is too good, Well it can be. Happiness for me was always a problem, the happier I became and the more people liked me the more uncomfortable life was for me. I am not a genuinely bad person but I made a choice to go back to the other side , you know the side of the demons. Now I may not know exactly what or who they are. You can put a name on them if you want. I chose to call him Satan and he has alot working for him. I could never get rid of them totally in my head so I gave in. If you even get caught up in the Fuck Christianity trip and tell me that Satan is like Santa and he was invented to scare or reward ( I still do not know which is which for whatever entity.) You are missing out on the point and you may as well FUCK OFF.
The reason he persists , Satan not Santa, is so many believe in the ultimate good nature of humans.WRONG.
It is all a struggle and forget the religion aspect and see the truth. Anyone at anytime can choose the wrong thing to do. It is always easier to do the wrong thing than to do the right thing. Why do you think we do it. It’s for the rush. Every adrenaline junkie knows the feeling of going against the grain. The first time you steal it is hard, if you were raised the way I was, but after the guilt and shame grow they only fuel your fire.
The Fort
When I was just a boy, Oh wauit let me tell you who I am DAX, not Dix or Dex or Dexter but DAX. Who cares if you remember, I will make you never forget. As a young lad I had a lot of hang ups but one of the treasures of growing up was our forts. We coould go into the park next to our subdivision and escape into the wilderness whjere we could build a Satan Lend Me a Dollar
Evil exists. If you think it doesn’t then you never leave your home. I often wonder why some see only the good in everything while others see only the bad. This has nothing to do with perception though, This has everything to do with actions. It all starts with a thought. I knew right from wrong at some point but as I got tired of the good in life it became easier and easier to do the wrong thing. And that is what evil is the little choices you make a thousand times a day eventually. Those little choices become bigger and bigger choices and you choose to do the wrong thing.
I loved to do the right thing for a while, about 5 and a half years, but eventually it became too good. I know how can you say something is too good, Well it can be. Happiness for me was always a problem, the happier I became and the more people liked me the more uncomfortable life was for me. I am not a genuinely bad person but I made a choice to go back to the other side , you know the side of the demons. Now I may not know exactly what or who they are. You can put a name on them if you want. I chose to call him Satan and he has alot working for him. I could never get rid of them totally in my head so I gave in. If you even get caught up in the Fuck Christianity trip and tell me that Satan is like Santa and he was invented to scare or reward ( I still do not know which is which for whatever entity.) You are missing out on the point and you may as well FUCK OFF.
The reason he persists , Satan not Santa, is so many believe in the ultimate good nature of humans.WRONG.
It is all a struggle and forget the religion aspect and see the truth. Anyone at anytime can choose the wrong thing to do. It is always easier to do the wrong thing than to do the right thing. Why do you think we do it. It’s for the rush. Every adrenaline junkie knows the feeling of going against the grain. The first time you steal it is hard, if you were raised the way I was, but after the guilt and shame grow they only fuel your fire.
The Fort
When I was just a boy, Oh wauit let me tell you who I am DAX, not Dix or Dex or Dexter but DAX. Who cares if you remember, I will make you never forget. As a young lad I had a lot of hang ups but one of the treasures of growing up was our forts. We coould go into the park next to our subdivision and escape into the wilderness whjere we could build a
Evil exists. If you think it doesn’t then you never leave your home. I often wonder why some see only the good in everything while others see only the bad. This has nothing to do with perception though, This has everything to do with actions. It all starts with a thought. I knew right from wrong at some point but as I got tired of the good in life it became easier and easier to do the wrong thing. And that is what evil is the little choices you make a thousand times a day eventually. Those little choices become bigger and bigger choices and you choose to do the wrong thing.
I loved to do the right thing for a while, about 5 and a half years, but eventually it became too good. I know how can you say something is too good, Well it can be. Happiness for me was always a problem, the happier I became and the more people liked me the more uncomfortable life was for me. I am not a genuinely bad person but I made a choice to go back to the other side , you know the side of the demons. Now I may not know exactly what or who they are. You can put a name on them if you want. I chose to call him Satan and he has alot working for him. I could never get rid of them totally in my head so I gave in. If you even get caught up in the Fuck Christianity trip and tell me that Satan is like Santa and he was invented to scare or reward ( I still do not know which is which for whatever entity.) You are missing out on the point and you may as well FUCK OFF.
The reason he persists , Satan not Santa, is so many believe in the ultimate good nature of humans.WRONG.
It is all a struggle and forget the religion aspect and see the truth. Anyone at anytime can choose the wrong thing to do. It is always easier to do the wrong thing than to do the right thing. Why do you think we do it. It’s for the rush. Every adrenaline junkie knows the feeling of going against the grain. The first time you steal it is hard, if you were raised the way I was, but after the guilt and shame grow they only fuel your fire.
The Fort
When I was just a boy, Oh wauit let me tell you who I am DAX, not Dix or Dex or Dexter but DAX. Who cares if you remember, I will make you never forget. As a young lad I had a lot of hang ups but one of the treasures of growing up was our forts. We coould go into the park next to our subdivision and escape into the wilderness whjere we could build a Satan Lend Me a Dollar
Evil exists. If you think it doesn’t then you never leave your home. I often wonder why some see only the good in everything while others see only the bad. This has nothing to do with perception though, This has everything to do with actions. It all starts with a thought. I knew right from wrong at some point but as I got tired of the good in life it became easier and easier to do the wrong thing. And that is what evil is the little choices you make a thousand times a day eventually. Those little choices become bigger and bigger choices and you choose to do the wrong thing.
I loved to do the right thing for a while, about 5 and a half years, but eventually it became too good. I know how can you say something is too good, Well it can be. Happiness for me was always a problem, the happier I became and the more people liked me the more uncomfortable life was for me. I am not a genuinely bad person but I made a choice to go back to the other side , you know the side of the demons. Now I may not know exactly what or who they are. You can put a name on them if you want. I chose to call him Satan and he has alot working for him. I could never get rid of them totally in my head so I gave in. If you even get caught up in the Fuck Christianity trip and tell me that Satan is like Santa and he was invented to scare or reward ( I still do not know which is which for whatever entity.) You are missing out on the point and you may as well FUCK OFF.
The reason he persists , Satan not Santa, is so many believe in the ultimate good nature of humans.WRONG.
It is all a struggle and forget the religion aspect and see the truth. Anyone at anytime can choose the wrong thing to do. It is always easier to do the wrong thing than to do the right thing. Why do you think we do it. It’s for the rush. Every adrenaline junkie knows the feeling of going against the grain. The first time you steal it is hard, if you were raised the way I was, but after the guilt and shame grow they only fuel your fire.
The Fort
When I was just a boy, Oh wauit let me tell you who I am DAX, not Dix or Dex or Dexter but DAX. Who cares if you remember, I will make you never forget. As a young lad I had a lot of hang ups but one of the treasures of growing up was our forts. We coould go into the park next to our subdivision and escape into the wilderness whjere we could build a
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